Sports (and entertainment) Bets you Should Never Take

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  Alright so here’s a list of the 6 bets (5 through this week, and 1 futures) that you absolutely don’t want to take. Why not? Because my success rate is lower than Chase Utley’s batting average and my reasoning is more flawed than the topics on Dan Lebatard’s TV show.                                                                    

WNBA Atlanta Dream Vs. Chicago Sky                                                                                                                                            Atlanta Dream (+8)                                                                                                                                                                             Chicago Sky (-8)                                                                                                                                                                                  Apparently someone named Sylvia Fowles is out for Chicago. Whatever that means. Hammer the Sky, they’re 14-9 since 1997 as a home favorite giving between 6.5 and 9 points. If completely legitimate stats like that don’t make you confident I don’t know what will.

 Philadelphia Phillies Vs. New York Yankees money line                                                                                                           Phillies (+115) Hamels                                                                                                                                                                     Yankees (-135) Nova                                                                                                                                                                               We’re taking the Phillies here all day. The Phillies are 4-2 when playing with a day off this season so there’s that. Plus the Phillies JV lineup should be up to the task of fending off the second place in the AL East Yankees. They’ve lost two in a row so they’re bound to lose again, plus their pitcher is coming off the DL with an elbow injury. Chalk up a Phillies W tomorrow.

 NBA Draft who will be selected first?                                                                                                                                           D’Angelo Russell (-450)                                                                                                                                                                   Kristaps Porzingis (+325)                                                                                                                                                                        The move here is Porzingis. If there’s anything I love more than someone who has a name you can’t pronounce it would have to be those odds. -450? All of a sudden you’re thinking it’s a lock, free money, no way Porzingis goes before him, then BAM! some Eastern European goes third overall to Sam Hinkie and the Sixers making everyone wonder WTF he’s actually doing after they spent the last few years believing that “in four years, we’re gonna be a top 3 seed in the East.”

 Uruguay Vs. Chile Copa Americana                                                                                                                                              Chile (-1/2)                                                                                                                                                                                           Uruguay (+1/2)                                                                                                                                                                                  Uruguay made it to the 2010 world cup semi-final so that has to count for something. People want to think this will be an obvious W in the win column for Chile without Suarez in the lineup and that’s exactly what Vegas wants you to do. Take Uruguay with the upset.

 How much will “Max (2015)” gross at the box office?                                                                                                                    Over 13 million (-140)                                                                                                                                                                          Under 13 million (even)                                                                                                                                                                Obviously the under. Why? Because Vegas is begging you to take the over. Bovada surrounded this over/under of 13 million with similar bets at 52 and 60 million. That combined with you looking at this and thinking “Oh it’s a family friendly movie, I’m sure it’ll do better than 13 million” and “If Jurassic World could make 500 million this one should be able to hit the 13 mark.” Yeah, lock up the under. I’m not buying any of that Vegas voodoo down here in Miami.

 For all of you experiencing Game of Thrones withdrawal here you go

Who will be the ruling king or queen of Westeross at the end of the Game of Thrones television series?                  Hodor (500/1)                                                                                                                                                                                              Say what you want, but this guy has all the intangibles. Height, weight, agility, and if you ask me the simpleton thing is all a front. Hodor is biding his time with Bran and Rikon waiting for the best opportunity to make his move.

Disclaimer: If you actually read through this whole thing without realizing it was a parody article, you sir are an idiot

 

 

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